I celebrated my birthday a week ago and it was a great celebration. And at the same time, and for reasons completely unrelated, I have been eating a lot of raw food and salad - and mixing in with my salad - Coriander. And tonight I had an epiphany of rather miniscule proportions: that my life can simply be divided into two epochs.
Before coriander and after coriander.
Not that I have only just started eating coriander. I did a few years ago. But only recently have I attuned to the innumerable additional lawyers and dimensions, the addition of coriander, brings to a meal. A small simple little herb that can change an entire dish.
At the same time, whilst carving-up my life into little epochs, I realised that with the passing of my most recent birthday, I had tripped over into a new period, stage and chapter in my life. Full of uncertainty and with no road map as to where I am headed, but just the certain belief that finally, I am on the right track. And it is no one else's to question or quibble with. And with that I found not only a sense of ease or relaxation: but also, with it, a deeply held rage, a sense of raging against the machine. A sense of raging against the world that we live in, that is thrust upon us and that we are immersed in every day. A rage against this world. Not Life. Not the force of Life or Love. Not the energy of truth. But the energies of our world: lies, deceit, depravation, competition, power play, betrayal, insecurity, hate, fear, systems, processes and rules. The world that we are living in and our collective consciousness is creating.
Following a spiritual path, one wonders "what does that mean?". How do I have to be? Do I go around chanting "Om" at everyone... the Ego needs an identity to attach to and it can be a bit confusing. And further needing to speak about Truth and Love but not knowing what tone or pitch to adopt. But as I sit here and write tonight, I know my pitch and tone is that of a fighter - a warrior for Oneness, Spiritual Lore and Truth - a free spirit who will not be bound by a world that lives out of sync with Life. A soul who will not endure the false friendship or relationship, lies or deceit. And also, just an everyday woman, with all of the usual everyday feelings, thoughts and needs, of my own make, model and composition.
I chant daily at Yoga. I fall into Yoga comas frequently and lovingly float around in the LaLa induced state they produce. But that is also, and often, the furtherest from who I am. I am powerful beyond my own understanding and have endured a great deal. But it has galvanised me, and so I am here now - and not without trepidation - to say my part about Life, Truth and Love. I won't guild the lily and a spade, in my book, will always be a spade. I am a battle ground of contradictions. Ridiculous strength matched only by acute & overwhelming sensitivity. An extroverted, introvert, who is not a shrinking violet. And it is that mash-up of personality traits that has caused untold pain - but now more than ever, that is the part of my being that I will embrace - so that I can write the stories that need to be written from my own self. And write the words of wisdom and truth that run through me. An astrologer once told me that constellation of stars, surrounding my date of birth, left me with no choice than to be a Warrior Princess. He was right. The journey of my life has proven that to me. Being a powerful woman in denial, oddly, lends itself to conflict and alienation, from self and others. I have sought to hide from my power and truth to prevent torment: which only made things worse. If you are not being yourself, then who are you being? And as a woman, calling for the return of the Sacred Feminine, I am bound by my words, to embrace my fullest understanding of myself and expression of what that means. So I am not prepared to hide anymore. I am here for a purpose and it is time to get on and do it.
As for the coriander: eat more of it, it's great! And sometimes a small shift in thinking, belief or perception can open a portal to whole new worlds. As for raging against the machine - so as to return to Oneness, Truth and Love - it is time. On the weekend at Yoga I bought myself a new sweatshirt with "Spiritual Gangster" emblazoned on the front. Within the kaleidoscope of possibilities, I think that pretty well sums me up.
Well, today anyway :)
Love and blessings
We are all one!
Little bear aka Spiritual Gangster! :)